


Coming Undone

by palominopup



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Cas, Homophobic Slurs, Hurt Dean, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 01:19:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9267380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palominopup/pseuds/palominopup
Summary: In a jealous rage, Dean lashes out at Cas. Did he lose him for good this time?





	

 

His right wrist was broken and his left eye was swollen shut. The stench of the garbage cans that lined the alley was not helping the nausea rolling over him from the knee to his balls. He’d picked the wrong guys to hustle. How could he have known the two college kids were on the football team and that half the offensive line was waiting to help their comrades? Dean could have held his own with three or maybe even four of them, but seven wasn’t a lucky number for him. Especially after the few shots of whiskey he’d downed before challenging them to a game of pool. It may have slowed his reflexes a bit.

  
“Cas, I know you’re still pissed at me, but I could use your help,” Dean murmured into the filthy concrete. God, he hurt.

  
The rustle of wings informed him that his angel had arrived. Dean’s one good eye focused on a pair of black dress shoes and the hem of Cas’ signature slacks. The angel’s customary salutation of ‘Hello, Dean’ was conspicuously absent. Dean used his good hand to press himself into an awkward pushup. He gathered his knees under him and swayed at the pain. He looked up. Cas’ face was a blur. A feeling of déjà vu hit him. A few years had passed, but the memory was vivid. He’d been in the same position. On his knees in front of Cas. “I need you,” he said, aiming for the brand of sarcastic humor that was his trademark.

  
“Don’t.” The word was so cold and so sharp, Dean actually winced and hung his head. He felt the warmth of Cas’ touch and the pain disappeared so fast, his body felt electrified. With both eyes functioning now, Dean looked up again. Cas wasn’t looking at him. And why would he? Dean had fucked up their friendship, just like he fucked up every other good thing that ever happened to him. The only difference is that this one hurt worse. This was an ache he’d carried inside of him since that night. Shit, was it only a month? Seemed like a lifetime.

  
“Cas, I…” But he was gone. Dean blinked. “Yeah, well, fuck you, Asshole.” Dean got to his feet and grimaced at the state of his clothes. He was gross.

  
The ride back to the bunker was made with music pounding so loud, Dean couldn’t think. Mission accomplished.

  
He thanked everything holy that Sam wasn’t awake. He turned on the shower and waited until steam billowed out before stepping under the hot spray. He stared down at his feet and watched the water swirl down the drain. Fuck him. He’d tried to apologize and Cas knew how hard that shit was for him to do. Motherfucker wouldn’t even acknowledge it.

  
Dean slapped the tiled walls with his hand. It stung. He fucked up and now, Cas couldn’t stand to be around him.

  
_It had been a simple salt and burn. Cas had tagged along because…well, Dean didn’t know why, but he didn’t question it. He loved having Cas with him…uh…them. On the way back, Sam and the angel were discussing something intellectual and Dean had tuned them out. They’d stopped at a Gas & Sip to fill up and grab a couple of sodas and that’s when it happened. The clerk was flirting with Cas. It was fucking obnoxious. Then Cas smiled at him…the smile usually reserved for Dean. The words spewed out of his mouth. He’d called the guy a faggot and a few other choice things and threatened to beat the shit out of him. Sam and Cas were both staring at him like he was a fucking creature from outer space. Cas slammed out of the store, Sam was busy apologizing for Dean and Dean stormed out after Cas._

  
_He caught up with him midway between the first row of gas pumps and the Impala. He’d grabbed the angel’s arm and Cas had rounded on him. “Don’t touch me.”_

  
_“Come on, Cas…that guy was…”_

  
_“A faggot…yes, I got that. I had no idea you were that intolerant.”_

  
_“I’m not intolerant. Jesus, Cas, he was…”_

  
_“He was attracted to me, Dean. And maybe I was attracted to him too. Guess that makes me a faggot too.”_

  
_Too stunned to speak, Dean stood in the flickering fluorescent glow from the station’s lights. Cas must have taken his silence as agreement, because he got this look on his face and disappeared. Just fuckin’ disappeared._

  
_“What the hell was that all about, Dean? The guy in there thinks you’re a homophobic asshole. Where’s Cas?”_

  
_Dean didn’t bother answering. He got into the car and slammed the door. A full minute later, he knew because he was counting the seconds, Sam opened the passenger side and folded his long frame into the seat. “Where’s Cas?” He repeated softly._

  
_“Gone.” He’d gotten a serious bitchface for the obvious answer. He thought he heard a muttered ‘Stupid bastard’, but he couldn’t be sure because he’d cranked up the volume and Back in Black boomed out of the speakers._

  
_Dean, in his infinite wisdom, decided to let Cas cool off a few days. Sam wasn’t speaking to him and that was fine. When a week came and went without a word from the angel, Dean finally had enough. He locked his bedroom door and sat on the bed. “Cas, hey, can we talk?”_

  
_Nothing._

  
_“I know you can hear me. I’m sorry…alright?”_

  
_The radio silence went on for days. Sam kept giving him pitying looks that drove Dean to drink. And drink he did. It was supposed to keep him from thinking. It didn’t._

  
_Cas was his. He wasn’t supposed to be attracted to anyone else. Not that Dean wanted…that. Because he didn’t. They were just friends._

  
_Everyone has a breaking point and Sam’s came a month after the ‘incident’. He cornered Dean in his room, blocking his escape with his Sasquatch body. “Cas deserves to find someone, Dean.”_

  
_“Yeah, well, guess he’s off doing that, huh? He sure as hell hasn’t been around here lately.” Dean’s fists were clinched at his side and he felt his nails biting into the flesh of his palms._

  
_“Oh…wow…you’re…you were jealous of the clerk.”_

  
_Dean managed a bark of laughter. “Jealous? Yeah, right.” Only he had been. He’d seen Cas’ smile directed at someone else and he’d gotten so damn angry._

  
_“Cas has loved you for…for fucking ever, Dean. And you give him nothing in return. Is it so hard for you to believe he would try to move on? Maybe find someone who would return his feelings?”_

  
_“Shut the fuck up, Sam. Just shut up,” Dean snarled and shoved Sam out of the way. And that’s how he found himself just this side of drunk and hustling boys a hell of a lot bigger than him._

  
Cas might have loved him. He’d proved it enough times over the years. Dean just didn’t want to see it. John Winchester would roll over in his proverbial grave if he know Dean had those kinds of thoughts about a man. Yes, Cas might have loved him, but he sure as hell didn’t now.

  
Dean shut the water off and grabbed a towel. He quickly dried off and wrapped it around his waist. In his haste to get clean, he’d forgotten to bring his robe or even a pair of underwear with him. On the way to his room, he paused at the door to Cas’ room. He’d cleaned out the room himself, adding a couple of cheap particle-board bookcases from Walmart. He’d even picked up a blue bedspread. It had meant a lot to Cas…having his own room…knowing he had a home with them.

  
He pushed open the door and flipped the light switch. The bookcases were filled with books…mostly old, dusty tomes, but some paperbacks were shoved between them. Vonnegut, Cussler, even a Stephen King. Dean trailed a finger over the spines. There were other things on the selves. A jar of honey Dean had picked up at a roadside stand. A framed picture. How had Dean never seen it? He picked it up. The frame was cheap. The photo was of the two of them leaning on the Impala. It was the day they dropped Claire off at Jody’s place. Claire must have taken it. The breeze ruffled Cas’ hair and Dean was looking at him like he hung the moon. “Cas…please.” He bent his head and prayed for one more chance.

  
The air around him crackled with static and the smell of ozone filled his nostrils. Cas stared at the picture in Dean’s hands, but didn’t speak.

  
“Sam said you deserved someone to…to…return you feelings.” Cas’ expression remained stoic. Dean took a deep breath. “You know me, Cas. I’m not homophobic. Love is love, man.” The angel remained still as a statue except for a flicker of something in those beautiful, blue eyes. “I know it’s too late for me to…you know…but if you want…that gas station isn’t that far away. You could still see if…”

  
“This emotion I feel...it is confusing and unwanted,” Cas said softly. Dean didn’t realize how badly he missed hearing that deep, gravelly voice until that instant. “It was nice to have someone look at me and find something they…like. I…Claire said that I should try dating.” His use of the unfamiliar word would have been humorous if it hadn’t cut Dean to the bone. He’d talked to Claire. Why hadn’t he come to Dean? Oh, yeah, because Dean was the sorry motherfucker that Cas thought didn’t return his feelings. “I’ve heard songs say to find someone else if you can’t be with…the person you want.”

  
“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with,” Dean quoted the old Crosby, Stills and Nash song. Cas reached out and took the picture from Dean. He looked down at it for a few moments before putting it back on the shelf.

  
“I value your friendship, Dean. I hope that my attraction towards the same sex doesn’t…”

  
“Damn it, Cas. Don’t you dare bump me into the friend zone…not now. Not when I’ve finally got my head out of my ass.” Dean raked his hands through his hair and realized he was still wearing just a towel. Not the ideal attire for a serious conversation. “You want to know the truth about that night in the Gas  & Sip? I was jealous. Okay? The way he was flirting with you and you…you smiled at him. You gave him the smile that somehow manages to turn me on every fuckin’ time you do it. And the thought of you and him…” Dean thought back to that moment. How it felt like something inside him was clawing its way out. “Fuck…” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “I have only said these words to two people in my entire life. My mom and Sam.” Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I love you, Cas.”

  
“Dean…” Dean held up his hands, keeping his eyes tightly shut. He didn’t want to see Cas’ face when he said it was too late for his declaration.

  
“No…it’s cool. I get that you need to move on…spread your wings.” Dean laughed and noted the touch of hysteria in the sound. “Sorry, bad pun.” He felt Cas’ fingertips on his lips and he opened startled eyes. Somehow, Cas had closed the distance between them. Their eyes met and held.

  
“I have loved you a long time, Dean. At first, I could not identify what I was feeling. When I finally understood, I didn’t think it could ever be reciprocated. You liked only women.”

  
“About that…” Dean started, his skin heating. “I’ve had thoughts about men…I mean, before you came strutting in that barn like a bad-assed motherfucker…” The memory flashed through Dean’s mind and he remembered how damn hot Cas looked. “Back when I was younger, but Dad…Dad would have beaten the shit out of me. Hell, he’d probably sent me to one of those camps where they electrocute you until you promise to only have sexy thoughts about the opposite sex forever and ever, amen. I’ve done a lot of window shopping, Cas, but I’ve never strolled into the shop and wanted to buy something.”

  
Cas was blinking at him in obvious confusion. Maybe the shop analogy wasn’t the best way to explain his latent bisexual urges. “I don’t understand that…”

  
“Reference,” Dean finished for him and giggled. He hadn’t heard Cas complain about not understanding something ever since Metatron dumped eons of pop culture in Cas’ brain. “I’m just trying to tell you that I haven’t ever…had…sex…with a dude, but I’d love to practice…you know…until I get it right.”

  
And there it was. That smile. The soft curve of his upper lip, slightly higher on the right side, making it a bit lopsided. “I believe we can practice together, Dean.”

  
“Cool. Yeah, uhm.” Dean’s palms were suddenly sweaty. He hoped Cas didn’t want to practice now, because Dean was scared shitless. He would like to kiss those lips…but first… “Cas, would you like to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night.”

  
Cas’ brow furrowed. “A date, Cas. I’m asking you on a date.”

  
“A date,” Cas repeated and the soft smile morphed into a grin. “Yes, I’d like that, Dean.”

  
“Great…well, I’ll just…I’ll see you tomorrow. ‘Night, Cas.” Dean moved around Cas and stopped at the doorway.

  
“Goodnight, Dean.” He made it to his room and managed to shut the door before the fist pump and the odd dance that made the towel fall to the floor.

  
He had a date…with Cas…with the man he was madly, crazy stupid in love with. Sam was going to freak. Dean frowned. Probably not. Sam would just roll his eyes and say ‘about time’. Dean crashed onto his bed and grinned. Yep, about time.


End file.
